just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
