I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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