I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
