just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
