I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
