i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
