I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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