Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
