i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
