it was like eating out sand paper
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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