i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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