I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
