I CAN MOONWALK!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
