Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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