Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He better not be in your backpack
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
