I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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