For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
