mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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