You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
FUCK WHALES
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