I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
