If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
