dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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