when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
