I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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