I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
