Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Actions speak louder than pants.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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