Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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