EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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