I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
