u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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