my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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