You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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