Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
