Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
