Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
You can't special order awesome
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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