I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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