Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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