go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
