My sheets look like a crime scene.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
