I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
