This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
