just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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