Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
