I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
