all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
