finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
