I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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