The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
