I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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