Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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