it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
