I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize