Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
