I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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