I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
