There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize