I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
