Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i love accidental penises.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
