He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
