You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
