you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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