i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You ruined the universe
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
