if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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