im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
