Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
