I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My life is pants optional.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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