i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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